It’s time for the end-of-year review and you are thinking about how to make sure that conversation serves you. You’re right to think about it because recent research in the Harvard Business Review finds, yet again, that women are 1.4 times more likely to receive subjective, critical feedback than men, and that women’s performances are more likely attributed to characteristics rather than skills and abilities. 

In this month’s blog, I’ve given you a few pointers on how to make your review work for you. 

Watch their language.

When you are receiving your review, pay attention to whether or not the feedback you are being given is based on your performance or your style. In one study, researcher Kieran Snyder collected and compared performance reviews given to men and women in the tech industry.  She found that women were more likely than men to receive negative feedback based on perceived personality traits rather than objective performance criteria. A similar finding came from a study at Stanford Graduate School of Business. According to the Stanford study, the big problem is that managers, when evaluating people, are not just documenting successes– they are also forming opinions about someone’s behavior. As a result, a “bias” is created and attached to the value of those behaviors, and how you assign rewards based on whether you think someone’s behavior is good or bad. Bias can enter into any of those processes. 

While you won’t have the benefit of comparing your end of year review with that of your male colleagues, it’s worth noting that the same feedback gets characterized differently for men and women. For example, you might receive feedback like, “you sometimes seem like you have analysis paralysis and struggle to act decisively,” while your male colleague might hear, “you are hesitant in making decisions, yet you are able to work out multiple alternative solutions and bring them clearly forward for a decision to be made.” 

The best way to combat bias is to call it out skillfully. Lead with curiosity and keep linking your questions to business outcomes. Watch for words like “abrasive”, “aggressive”, “emotional” and “irrational.” Notice also when assumptions are being made about your behavior. When you notice them, be prepared to ask questions: “What specifically did you see or hear that makes you say that?” “How did it impact my ability to achieve business goals?”  “What would you have done differently and how do you think that would have had a different impact?”  

If your manager is open to it, share the research that shows the difference between how men and women are reviewed. Ask your manager, if you were a man and had done the same things, would it make it into your performance review?

Don’t accept vague feedback.  

Research from Shelley Correl and Caroline Simard shows that women are systematically less likely to receive specific feedback than men. For example, you might hear, “you lack strategic thinking,” rather than, “in the product roadmap you created, you considered X, but in not accounting for Y from the engineering team, the strategy was unworkable.” Similarly, when the feedback is generally good, if it does not identify specific actions that are valued or the positive impact of those accomplishments, it often doesn’t lead to a promotion.  

With each mention of what you did well or could have done better, ask questions until you are entirely clear on what you missed and how you could have done it differently, or what went well and the impact it had on the business. It’s just as important to ask about what went well as it is to ask about what could have been better.  

If your end-of-year review includes a place for you to contribute, make sure you note your accomplishments and successes, and what specific business outcomes you accomplished.  Look for technical accomplishments that demonstrate experience and expertise, and be sure to cross-reference them to your job description or the organization’s career ladder system.

Seek feedback from a broad range of stakeholders.

Where possible, ask your manager if your end-of-year review can include input you’ve received from clients or customers, cross-functional colleagues, or other stakeholders. It is often the case that these inputs are more specific, they offer broader context, and they are directly linked to business outcomes– particularly if they are client success stories. Your manager only sees one aspect of what you do and is influenced by their own impressions.  

Doing this can also help to avoid the recency bias, meaning that you are only being reviewed on what you’ve done over the few months prior to the review. If you have data from the entire year, this will better help position you for a comprehensive review, and one that tracks the advancements you’ve made over the course of the whole year. One simple practice that I do is to keep a folder marked ‘celebrations’ or something like that in my inbox. Anytime you do receive positive feedback, simply file it there and bring it out at the end of the year.  

Ask for what you want.

End-of-year performance reviews are a time to ask for what you want to advance your career.  Share with your manager your career aspirations and how you see yourself getting there. Then, ask what skills you need to develop to get there and what opportunities can the organization provide? If you don’t know where you are headed, I suggest enrolling in my CLEAR career program for women. In that course, we have an entire module devoted to helping you figure out what you want for your career.

This is also a time to ask for introductions and connections to help you develop your network.  As you advance your career, you will need others to mentor, advocate for, and sponsor your promotion. Get clear on who can help you– start by asking your manager who can help you and then ask for introductions.  

Finally, this is the time to talk about titles and salaries. It is the right time to ask what you can expect for raises and promotions. I covered these negotiations extensively in my last blog post, which you can find here.

Remember, you are the best advocate for your success. And I’m here to help you along the way.

Giving women career advice isn’t blaming women. It isn’t telling women to act more like men. It isn’t saying that fixing things is the woman’s job. It isn’t ignoring the fact that the system needs fixing.

It is simply helping women get ahead.  

Honestly, if I sound exasperated, it’s because I am.  For months now I have read too many headlines (aka clickbait) explaining all the reasons why a career program for women is wrong. The most recent headline that set me off was titled, “All career advice for women is a form of gaslighting.”

Would anyone say that giving men career advice is a form of gaslighting?

The more we judge and label giving women access to strategies, tools, networks and coaches as wrong, the more we perpetuate the existing system.

I have been coaching men and women for nearly 15 years. Women face different issues in the workplace. So, in the spirit of helping women, and at the risk of being criticized for doing so, here are four pieces of career advice that can help you get ahead. 

1. Get clear on what you want. 

It’s not enough to leave your career trajectory up to someone else. Plus, no matter how much they care about your career, it’s not nearly as much as you care about your career! Be the composer and conductor of your own life.  

What are your core values? Therein lies your why — the why that gets you high and the why that makes you cry.  What gives you energy? Think of your body as having a battery symbol like the one on your mobile phone. What recharges it? What drains it quickly? Do more of the former and less of the latter. What do you do well, repeatedly and happily? At the intersection of your values, energy and strengths, you will find your path forward.  

Why is this different for women? Because we have been socialized to put others first, be helpful and likable, be a team player and do what others need rather than what we want. So we don’t take the time to figure out what exactly it is that makes us fulfilled.

Even Michelle Obama writes about this in her memoir when she says, “Somehow in all my years of schooling, I hadn’t managed to think through my own passions and how they might match up with the work I found meaningful.” But Barack had.  

2. Ground your confidence in knowing how the work you do matters. 

Confidence is believing in your ability to do something. The best way to believe what you do is worthwhile is to ask. When you do something well, ask ‘’how does it impact the team, organization, product, outcome?”  Look for confirming evidence of how your contribution matters.

Keep positive feedback in a file and review it from time to time to remind yourself of the great work that you are doing. Frame your 1:1s with your manager by asking about your contribution since you last met. Be specific about what you’ve done and align it with organizational objectives. And when you are given positive feedback, let it in. 

Why is this difficult for women? Because we’re told to be perfect at everything we do in order to get ahead. We downplay the good and give undue weight to the bad. We think focusing improvement will make us better. We minimize our contributions while celebrating those of others. We worry about failing and we take fewer risks.  

This is not our fault! It’s part of the system that wasn’t designed for us. Girls are rewarded for putting their heads down and doing good work, and for not engaging in risky behavior or drawing too much attention to ourselves. Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, says “If life were one long grade school, women would be the undisputed rulers of the world.” 

In my work, I do what I can through coaching and programs to point out where the system is failing women. What kind of feedback are managers giving? How can organizations learn to recognize reward systems that are hurting women and begin to change them? Until then, ground your confidence in how your contribution matters. Make it clear.

3. Get connected to mentors, opportunity givers and sponsors.

The women I coach do not have the same level of sponsorship as the men. Many have to find their own mentors and ask others to advocate for them. Affinity bias remains one of the strongest reasons that men get ahead. The organizations with whom I work are predominantly male led, and many of those leaders unconsciously cultivate relationships with people they already know or with whom they have common ground. I recently published an article with a partner of mine on business development in law firms. I heard repeatedly that the “old boys network” is alive and kicking.

I remained somewhat oblivious to this until I started paying attention. I was taught that people got ahead by doing good work. And while this was partly true, it only went for so long. At a certain level, the people who got ahead were connected. They had cultivated advocates. 

I started mapping my network, building it intentionally and leaning into it. It is something I now ask the women I coach to do. Who do you know? Who has helped you? Who could help you?  Why would they help you? Whatever you are asking for, who are the real decision makers?  Who is close to them?  What do they care about? I coach people to pick their heads up and look around. Who gets ahead and how? 

It’s critical for women to find connectors, strategizers and opportunity givers. Form alliances and pay attention to where and how decisions are made.  

4. Get centered so you can bounce back quickly.

Finally, the women I coach struggle more with burnout than men. Why? Again, it’s the system!  In their book Burnout, Emily and Amelia Nagoski discuss what they call “Human Giver Syndrome.” They say it’s a collection of personal and cultural beliefs and behaviors that insist that some people’s meaning comes from a moral obligation to be pretty, happy, calm, generous and attentive to the needs of others. And the “some people” they are referring to are women. 

Other factors that lead to burnout include the perfection trap, the disease to please and the need to be liked. Here are a few ways to overcome these traps. 

Breathe. Slowly and rhythmically. Through your heart. It changes your heart rate variability and calms your parasympathetic nervous system.

Exercise, as often as you can, because it makes your body feel better and changes your energy.  

Acknowledge your feelings, use them as a source of information about what does or doesn’t work for you. Let go of what is no longer serving you. Remember, don’t believe everything you think. 

Ultimately, shift your focus back toward your meaning and purpose (Step 1). Connecting with why you do things, especially when they are grounded in your values and in what gives you energy, creates a sense of optimism, gratitude and renewed focus for your work.  

Then get back out there and keep working to change the system. The world needs more women leaders. You’ve got this.