Giving women career advice isn’t blaming women. It isn’t telling women to act more like men. It isn’t saying that fixing things is the woman’s job. It isn’t ignoring the fact that the system needs fixing.

It is simply helping women get ahead.  

Honestly, if I sound exasperated, it’s because I am.  For months now I have read too many headlines (aka clickbait) explaining all the reasons why a career program for women is wrong. The most recent headline that set me off was titled, “All career advice for women is a form of gaslighting.”

Would anyone say that giving men career advice is a form of gaslighting?

The more we judge and label giving women access to strategies, tools, networks and coaches as wrong, the more we perpetuate the existing system.

I have been coaching men and women for nearly 15 years. Women face different issues in the workplace. So, in the spirit of helping women, and at the risk of being criticized for doing so, here are four pieces of career advice that can help you get ahead. 

1. Get clear on what you want. 

It’s not enough to leave your career trajectory up to someone else. Plus, no matter how much they care about your career, it’s not nearly as much as you care about your career! Be the composer and conductor of your own life.  

What are your core values? Therein lies your why — the why that gets you high and the why that makes you cry.  What gives you energy? Think of your body as having a battery symbol like the one on your mobile phone. What recharges it? What drains it quickly? Do more of the former and less of the latter. What do you do well, repeatedly and happily? At the intersection of your values, energy and strengths, you will find your path forward.  

Why is this different for women? Because we have been socialized to put others first, be helpful and likable, be a team player and do what others need rather than what we want. So we don’t take the time to figure out what exactly it is that makes us fulfilled.

Even Michelle Obama writes about this in her memoir when she says, “Somehow in all my years of schooling, I hadn’t managed to think through my own passions and how they might match up with the work I found meaningful.” But Barack had.  

2. Ground your confidence in knowing how the work you do matters. 

Confidence is believing in your ability to do something. The best way to believe what you do is worthwhile is to ask. When you do something well, ask ‘’how does it impact the team, organization, product, outcome?”  Look for confirming evidence of how your contribution matters.

Keep positive feedback in a file and review it from time to time to remind yourself of the great work that you are doing. Frame your 1:1s with your manager by asking about your contribution since you last met. Be specific about what you’ve done and align it with organizational objectives. And when you are given positive feedback, let it in. 

Why is this difficult for women? Because we’re told to be perfect at everything we do in order to get ahead. We downplay the good and give undue weight to the bad. We think focusing improvement will make us better. We minimize our contributions while celebrating those of others. We worry about failing and we take fewer risks.  

This is not our fault! It’s part of the system that wasn’t designed for us. Girls are rewarded for putting their heads down and doing good work, and for not engaging in risky behavior or drawing too much attention to ourselves. Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, says “If life were one long grade school, women would be the undisputed rulers of the world.” 

In my work, I do what I can through coaching and programs to point out where the system is failing women. What kind of feedback are managers giving? How can organizations learn to recognize reward systems that are hurting women and begin to change them? Until then, ground your confidence in how your contribution matters. Make it clear.

3. Get connected to mentors, opportunity givers and sponsors.

The women I coach do not have the same level of sponsorship as the men. Many have to find their own mentors and ask others to advocate for them. Affinity bias remains one of the strongest reasons that men get ahead. The organizations with whom I work are predominantly male led, and many of those leaders unconsciously cultivate relationships with people they already know or with whom they have common ground. I recently published an article with a partner of mine on business development in law firms. I heard repeatedly that the “old boys network” is alive and kicking.

I remained somewhat oblivious to this until I started paying attention. I was taught that people got ahead by doing good work. And while this was partly true, it only went for so long. At a certain level, the people who got ahead were connected. They had cultivated advocates. 

I started mapping my network, building it intentionally and leaning into it. It is something I now ask the women I coach to do. Who do you know? Who has helped you? Who could help you?  Why would they help you? Whatever you are asking for, who are the real decision makers?  Who is close to them?  What do they care about? I coach people to pick their heads up and look around. Who gets ahead and how? 

It’s critical for women to find connectors, strategizers and opportunity givers. Form alliances and pay attention to where and how decisions are made.  

4. Get centered so you can bounce back quickly.

Finally, the women I coach struggle more with burnout than men. Why? Again, it’s the system!  In their book Burnout, Emily and Amelia Nagoski discuss what they call “Human Giver Syndrome.” They say it’s a collection of personal and cultural beliefs and behaviors that insist that some people’s meaning comes from a moral obligation to be pretty, happy, calm, generous and attentive to the needs of others. And the “some people” they are referring to are women. 

Other factors that lead to burnout include the perfection trap, the disease to please and the need to be liked. Here are a few ways to overcome these traps. 

Breathe. Slowly and rhythmically. Through your heart. It changes your heart rate variability and calms your parasympathetic nervous system.

Exercise, as often as you can, because it makes your body feel better and changes your energy.  

Acknowledge your feelings, use them as a source of information about what does or doesn’t work for you. Let go of what is no longer serving you. Remember, don’t believe everything you think. 

Ultimately, shift your focus back toward your meaning and purpose (Step 1). Connecting with why you do things, especially when they are grounded in your values and in what gives you energy, creates a sense of optimism, gratitude and renewed focus for your work.  

Then get back out there and keep working to change the system. The world needs more women leaders. You’ve got this.

I’ve been reflecting on something I’ve been hearing a lot during the pandemic from the women I coach and that is, “I should just be grateful that I have a job.”  This feeling of being beholden to your employer and, moreso, obliged to put your head down and just get on with it actually hurts you and the organization.  It can lead to stress, burnout, isolation and a complete lack of motivation or engagement.  And it can prevent you from asking for what you need.

The truth, of course, is that your good work, engagement and commitment matter enormously and organizations are grateful to have hard working employees.  So if you find yourself wanting to ask for what you need, but this limiting belief that you should “just be grateful to have a job” is holding you back, here are a few things that can help!

Step 1:  Figure out what you need

Before you make an ask, invest time in figuring out what it is that you need. Be specific! Do you need a promotion? Tuition reimbursement? More time off? If so, how much time? Whatever you choose to ask for, it should be meaningful and powerful to you. When you look at it you should say to yourself, “that would really matter and have a huge impact on my work.”

What you need may also be about personal learning and development. Building confidence, overcoming imposter syndrome, learning how to connect with what motivates you, or cultivating habits to help avoid burnout. The point is that you need to identify for yourself what exactly you want to ask for and why it matters.

Step 2:  Write out your accomplishments and successes 

Despite working from home (or sleeping at the office as I’ve come to call it), you have stayed motivated and dedicated to your employer. Unfortunately, far too many leaders forget to appreciate and thank their employees. This is a mistake because research shows that when leaders and managers want more effort from employees, gratitude and recognition go a long way.

Even if your organization isn’t doing a good job of recognizing you, it’s important to regularly reflect on your strengths and accomplishments. Make a practice of paying attention to what you’re good at and what gives you energy. Note how your work has contributed to the overall success of your organization or team. Now make your work visible by talking about it with others and sharing your accomplishments with your manager. Speak clearly about the work you do, and do it in a way that aligns with business outcomes.

Step 3:  Have confidence in your ask

Have confidence when you ask! You’ve done your homework. Stay grounded in the fact that you know what you need and you’re clear about how it will benefit you and the organization. Your work has contributed enormously and you know how to talk about that. Develop a practice of sharing your successes. 

If the help you are asking for is about learning and development, note that many organizations have large budgets for this and often have global heads of learning and development. Why are companies willing to invest so much in learning? Because this investment reaps huge rewards:  greater employee engagement, improved performance, higher productivity, better relationships at work, more collaboration, increased creativity, and so many more. 

Learn about the positive outcomes that development opportunities may give you to bolster your confidence in what you are asking for. For example, you may say “the majority of people who (attend this program, work with this coach, learn to use this application, etc…) see concrete results.” Share what those are and what you hope to achieve!

Step 4: Practice your ask

Create a script and practice! Start with gratitude. Say how much you appreciate the organization and the time your manager spends in helping you grow and develop.

Next, discuss the concrete help you need or the learning opportunity that is right for you. Share what you have learned so far in the organization and how you think the help you’re seeking will further your contribution. Note how it links to business outcomes and development goals that you’ve set.

Finally, provide a clear breakdown of what you are asking for. Include its benefits to you and to the organization, and how you will balance it with your existing work.

Step 5:  Be prepared for feedback

Figure out who the right person to ask for support may be and then be prepared to hear what they have to say. If your emotions get the better of you in these moments, remember to breathe!

They might share some stories with you about others who have made a similar ask and what worked for them. They may suggest you raise your request with someone else. It may be that they need more information about how what you are asking for will positively impact the business and not hinder work. Whatever they say, move from certainty to curiosity and use that conversation to help you refine your request and improve your chances of getting what you want.

Step 6:  Need more support?  Join my program!

In our career growth series, we have multiple coaching exercises to help you get clear on what you want, get confident in your career growth strategy, build and leverage relationships that help you grow, and bounce back from disappointments. 

We’ve also created group coaching sessions to build a network of ambitious women who learn from and support one another. If you are interested, look at my programs and ask your employer to sponsor you in the next cohort. Here’s a sample letter to help you ask for what you need!

Do it. You deserve it and your organization reaps the reward!