Blog | Page 13 | Ali Levin

A few years ago, I read Brené Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness. Like so much of her work, it’s reflective, accessible and eminently actionable. Her acronym BRAVING (which stands for boundaries, reliability, accountability, vault, integrity, non-judgment and generosity) has been my guide for the 2020s.

I was so ready to close the books on the few years that preceded this decade. I was finally seeing the light at the end of a dark three-year tunnel that included my father’s death (the person to whom I was the closest in the world), a painful and unexpected divorce (that left me lonely and afraid), and facing my daughter’s depression and my own anxiety (both of which I had been spectacularly unaware).

Years of hard work with gifted therapists and coaches helped me feel ready to usher in a new era of joy.

Then nothing proceeded to plan (thanks, COVID!).

BRAVING has helped me navigate the new normal. Here’s how:

Boundaries

I went to a parenting class when my daughter was small. We were asked to draw pictures of our child — one in which the child was caged, one in which the child was surrounded by lots of white space and a squiggly line, and one in which the child stood alone in a huge, empty space with no lines.

Like a mother without any sense of boundaries, I showed this to my five-year old and asked what she thought. “You do that one, Mama,” she told me, pointing to the child alone in space. And then she pointed to the squiggly line and said, “I want that.”

I got better (slightly) at setting boundaries for her, but it wasn’t until the pandemic that I got really good at setting my own. And much better at respecting those of others.

We’ve been forced to reckon with what safety means to us and our families, and what it means to those around us. I’ve been asked, at work and at home, to do things I don’t feel comfortable doing. I’ve said no. I’ve asked others, at work and at home, to do things they’ve not felt comfortable doing. They’ve said no. I can’t overstate the positive impact this clarity has had on me and my relationships.

Reliability

If you want to create a trusting environment, do what you say you are going to do. Pre-2020s I was famous for saying, “Sure, I’ll be there,” just before cancelling when my busy life got in the way. I was known for my unreliability. My family started saying, “we don’t know if Ali’s coming until we see the whites of her eyes.”

My daughter tells me beautifully and honestly that I just wasn’t there for her.

I. Had. No. Idea.

This past year and a half has changed all of that. It’s hard not to be where you say you’re going to be when you have nowhere else to go. With all meetings by Zoom and taking place at home, I haven’t missed a thing.

Despite living in isolation, I find I’m having shared emotional experiences with nearly everyone — collective trauma, grief and burnout — all of which have made me even more aware of how important it is for us to keep our commitments to one another.

When my daughter wants my attention, I give it to her fully. When my colleagues schedule time with me, I show up. I can now honestly say, “you can count on me.”

Accountability

Accountability means taking ownership for our mistakes, apologizing and making amends.

There’s nothing like over a year of solitude to create some space for contemplation. I’ve found myself at the line between owning my mistakes and ruminating over what I should have done. And, if you’ve been following me, you know that I preach what I most need to learn — no shoulding on ourselves or others.

Instead, accountability has meant meeting myself with compassion. Reflecting on the things I did or didn’t do, digesting the feelings that accompany how I may have let myself or others down, and integrating the experience so that it becomes a source of wisdom. And then apologizing. To my daughter, to my work colleagues, to my ex-husband, and to others I let down.

I have learned to say, “you counted on me to show up fully, and I did not. I’m sorry for that.”

Vault

The vault is another name for confidentiality. We are reminded to only share what is ours to share. Simply put, don’t gossip. As a coach and a former lawyer, I have always taken confidentiality very seriously. Nearly every professional conversation I have is confidential.

I’ve watched how forced separation from others has changed many workplace dynamics. Without meetings at the school gates, in coffee shops and office corridors, there has been less opportunity for gossip. This has been refreshing!

I’ve also noticed even more space for self-reflection in me and in my coaching clients. Funnily enough, if we don’t hide “self-view” in Zoom, we’re literally “seeing” ourselves in our conversations. That holding up the mirror has helped many honor the commitment to only share what is ours to share. We literally see ourselves making that promise, and we keep it.

Integrity

Do what is right over what is fun, comfortable or easy. That is how Brené Brown defines integrity. We’re living through times where we’re all called to learn about and to address systemic inequality and injustices wherever we can. These conversations are anything but fun, comfortable or easy. The political polarization that’s happening around the globe is frightening. Yet I continue to be hopeful as I, and others with whom I work, find the courage to have uncomfortable conversations every day about what is right and what is just.

Non-Judgment

This has been the best part of this period for me. It’s about not judging ourselves for what we need. And boy has this time taught me that whatever we need is just fine! I’ve never in my many years of coaching seen so much written about self-care, and with such clarity in that it has nothing to do with spa days and facials. It means taking care of ourselves.

I’ve been practicing a lot of gratitude about living in Southern California these last few years for all kinds of reasons, especially sunshine. The number of times I’ve sat outside in my garden tending to (and sometimes talking to) my flowers and heard that voice in my head saying, “you should go be more productive” is a lot.

But I’ve cultivated an inner response. At the beginning of the pandemic, I listened to an interview with the author Elizabeth Gilbert. She says she writes in her journal in the form of a dialogue between herself and love. Here’s my go at that:

Ali: You’ve spent enough time in the garden. You should go work and be productive.

Love: I’m here for you.

Ali: Thank you, love, for being here for me. What does that mean?

Love: Keeping you warm and holding you close without judgment.

Ali: Thank you. I’ll stay in the garden a bit longer and feel this love. It gives me energy.

Generosity

And finally, make generous assumptions. I’ve been let down during this time. We all have. But I’ve found the bottomless well of compassion for myself and others, and the practice of assuming positive intention of those close to me has been utterly liberating.

We’re off to a rough start, but I am optimistic about the new roaring twenties. Stay safe, awake and connected. We’ll get through this together and be stronger for it.

Giving women career advice isn’t blaming women. It isn’t telling women to act more like men. It isn’t saying that fixing things is the woman’s job. It isn’t ignoring the fact that the system needs fixing.

It is simply helping women get ahead.

Honestly, if I sound exasperated, it’s because I am. For months now I have read too many headlines (aka clickbait) explaining all the reasons why a career program for women is wrong. The most recent headline that set me off was titled, “All career advice for women is a form of gaslighting.”

Would anyone say that giving men career advice is a form of gaslighting?

The more we judge and label giving women access to strategies, tools, networks and coaches as wrong, the more we perpetuate the existing system.

I have been coaching men and women for nearly 15 years. Women face different issues in the workplace. So, in the spirit of helping women, and at the risk of being criticized for doing so, here are four pieces of career advice that can help you get ahead.

1. Get clear on what you want.

It’s not enough to leave your career trajectory up to someone else. Plus, no matter how much they care about your career, it’s not nearly as much as you care about your career! Be the composer and conductor of your own life.

What are your core values? Therein lies your why — the why that gets you high and the why that makes you cry. What gives you energy? Think of your body as having a battery symbol like the one on your mobile phone. What recharges it? What drains it quickly? Do more of the former and less of the latter. What do you do well, repeatedly and happily? At the intersection of your values, energy and strengths, you will find your path forward.

Why is this different for women? Because we have been socialized to put others first, be helpful and likable, be a team player and do what others need rather than what we want. So we don’t take the time to figure out what exactly it is that makes us fulfilled.

Even Michelle Obama writes about this in her memoir when she says, “Somehow in all my years of schooling, I hadn’t managed to think through my own passions and how they might match up with the work I found meaningful.” But Barack had.

2. Ground your confidence in knowing how the work you do matters.

Confidence is believing in your ability to do something. The best way to believe what you do is worthwhile is to ask. When you do something well, ask ‘’how does it impact the team, organization, product, outcome?” Look for confirming evidence of how your contribution matters.

Keep positive feedback in a file and review it from time to time to remind yourself of the great work that you are doing. Frame your 1:1s with your manager by asking about your contribution since you last met. Be specific about what you’ve done and align it with organizational objectives. And when you are given positive feedback, let it in.

Why is this difficult for women? Because we’re told to be perfect at everything we do in order to get ahead. We downplay the good and give undue weight to the bad. We think focusing improvement will make us better. We minimize our contributions while celebrating those of others. We worry about failing and we take fewer risks.

This is not our fault! It’s part of the system that wasn’t designed for us. Girls are rewarded for putting their heads down and doing good work, and for not engaging in risky behavior or drawing too much attention to ourselves. Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, says “If life were one long grade school, women would be the undisputed rulers of the world.”

In my work, I do what I can through coaching and programs to point out where the system is failing women. What kind of feedback are managers giving? How can organizations learn to recognize reward systems that are hurting women and begin to change them? Until then, ground your confidence in how your contribution matters. Make it clear.

3. Get connected to mentors, opportunity givers and sponsors.

The women I coach do not have the same level of sponsorship as the men. Many have to find their own mentors and ask others to advocate for them. Affinity bias remains one of the strongest reasons that men get ahead. The organizations with whom I work are predominantly male led, and many of those leaders unconsciously cultivate relationships with people they already know or with whom they have common ground. I recently published an article with a partner of mine on business development in law firms. I heard repeatedly that the “old boys network” is alive and kicking.

I remained somewhat oblivious to this until I started paying attention. I was taught that people got ahead by doing good work. And while this was partly true, it only went for so long. At a certain level, the people who got ahead were connected. They had cultivated advocates.

I started mapping my network, building it intentionally and leaning into it. It is something I now ask the women I coach to do. Who do you know? Who has helped you? Who could help you? Why would they help you? Whatever you are asking for, who are the real decision makers? Who is close to them? What do they care about? I coach people to pick their heads up and look around. Who gets ahead and how?

It’s critical for women to find connectors, strategizers and opportunity givers. Form alliances and pay attention to where and how decisions are made.

4. Get centered so you can bounce back quickly.

Finally, the women I coach struggle more with burnout than men. Why? Again, it’s the system! In their book Burnout, Emily and Amelia Nagoski discuss what they call “Human Giver Syndrome.” They say it’s a collection of personal and cultural beliefs and behaviors that insist that some people’s meaning comes from a moral obligation to be pretty, happy, calm, generous and attentive to the needs of others. And the “some people” they are referring to are women.

Other factors that lead to burnout include the perfection trap, the disease to please and the need to be liked. Here are a few ways to overcome these traps.

Breathe. Slowly and rhythmically. Through your heart. It changes your heart rate variability and calms your parasympathetic nervous system.

Exercise, as often as you can, because it makes your body feel better and changes your energy.

Acknowledge your feelings, use them as a source of information about what does or doesn’t work for you. Let go of what is no longer serving you. Remember, don’t believe everything you think.

Ultimately, shift your focus back toward your meaning and purpose (Step 1). Connecting with why you do things, especially when they are grounded in your values and in what gives you energy, creates a sense of optimism, gratitude and renewed focus for your work.

Then get back out there and keep working to change the system. The world needs more women leaders. You’ve got this.

Braving the 2020s